Don't sacrifice goodness for politeness

“Woe to you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! For you are like whitewashed tombs, which outwardly appear beautiful, but within are full of dead people’s bones and all uncleanness. So you also outwardly appear righteous to others, but within you are full of hypocrisy and lawlessness. Matthew 23: 27-28.

Jesus overturing tables in the temple

Todays FMF word prompt is Polite.

There are some potential problems with always being polite. For instance, the Pharisees may have had wonderful manners, they may have had a polished social etiquette that made them appear "Good." But contrast that to Jesus who drove out the sellers from the temple, overturing tables and chairs and you might think the Pharisees are the good guys. But Jesus tells us that their insides don't match their outside behavior. They created all kinds of extra rules void of love for others to follow, similar to the legalism that has driven many people from the church today.

When Jesus overturns tables and drives out the merchants in the temple court he is not being polite but he is being authentic and good. His anger is justified in that people are being hindered from worship, the poor are being taken advantage of and commerce is getting in the way of worship and coming to have a relationship with a loving God. Jesus sees the money changers as full of greed and exploitation of the poor, keeping them from God, the very things the gospel stands strongly against.

Now this is not to say that those merchants and money changers were polite but to demonstrate that Jesus in this instance would not be considered polite. He was not a people pleaser but completely dedicated to pleasing God alone. And when there is a conflict between pleasing others or pleasing God, He shows us that it is God alone who we are to please.

The apostle Paul writes

For am I now seeking the approval of man, or of God? Or am I trying to please man? If I were still trying to please man, I would not be a servant of Christ (Galations 1:10).

So our politeness should be rooted in being kind and showing respect for others but not out of a need to please others.

When politeness is a result of people pleasing it will not serve us well. People pleasers often focus on what is needed in a situation in order create safety and calm. Most likely they learned that in order to be safe, they needed to make sure that they did whatever was necessary to emotionally regulate those who were responsible to care for them. So sometimes when we meet polite people, we may assume that they were taught how to treat others with respect and compassion and this is a good thing. But we may also be viewing an individual who so fears abandonment and rejection that they appease others at all costs in order to feel safe and connected and avoid the pain of rejection. THese are people who are not in touch with their own needs but tune in to the needs of others.

As Christians, we may ask, "Why is this a bad thing? Aren't we to put others' needs before our own?" I personally believe we can't set aside our own needs until we have a sense of what our own needs are, as well as what God's desire is for us and for others. People pleasers often don't have a sense of what they need. So they keep everything bottled up inside. They don't confront, and they don't rock the boat. Internally, they suppress emotions, which can create all kinds of disconnect from themselves and others, as often resentment builds, stress-related illnesses occur, and exhaustion sets in.

Instead of being polite, we are called to Honest. Not brutally honest mind you but lovingly honest.

“Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will grow to become in every respect the mature body of him who is the head, that is, Christ.” — Ephesians 4:15

Speak truth spelled out in scrabble letters

So I conceptualize this as the difference between being Nice and being Kind. Nice often means being dishonestly pleasing to avoid conflict or internal disregulation based on fear.

Kindness means holding others accoutable to being the best they can be, it is also being sensite and compassionate and caring about peope while at the same time helping them to see things that are hurting or hindering them. It may mean setting boundaries to prevent others from doing harmful things to themselves and others.

Sometimes kindness can hurt a bit but pain sometimes is the catalyst to positive change. There needs to be a flexibility in responding and relating to others- a holding onto two principles at once.

balancing truth and mercy

He has told you, O man, what is good; and what does the Lord require of you but to do justice, and to love kindness, and to walk humbly with your God? Michah 6:8

When we combine truth (justice) with kindness (compassion) we move beyond people pleasing and mere politeness. We become people capable of walking humbly with our God.