Is the term Gaslighting Losing Its Impact Due to Overuse?

Thanks to social media, psycho jargon gets passed around and spreads, sometimes incorrectly, like wildfire—or shall I say gaslit fire? For example, the term "gaslighting" comes from the 1938 British play "Gas Light" that was later turned into a Hollywood movie in 1944. The title "Gas Light" comes from the behavior of the husband in the film, who purposely manipulated the gas lights in the house to go on and off to confuse his wife and make her appear crazy. He does other things too, like steal and hide her jewelry, but it is all planned and purposely carried out to obtain her inheritance if he can make her feel as if she is going insane. When I was in grad school, we used a term called "crazymaking," and people make others feel crazy all the time, but they may not be purposely and maliciously trying to manipulate another for their own gain like the character in "Gas Light." Sometimes individuals are truly trying to be understood.

I often have clients talk about someone in their life who is gaslighting them, but upon digging deeper, I often find other things going on. Most often, it is normal misperception. We all experience life and situations from the lens of our own perspective. This is based on our own experiences, unspoken rules, expectations, and values. Therefore, two people can see the same thing very differently, and they can remember the same situation very differently. If you have siblings, ask them about events from your childhood. Often, siblings tell themselves very different stories about the environment they grew up in.

If you have ever read the parable of the blind men and the elephant, you can see how this plays out. Six blind men each reach out and touch a part of an elephant and use that experience to try to describe an elephant differently, which leads to a big argument, as you can imagine. If one person is touching a tusk, another a tail, and still another a leg, the stories they tell about an elephant become vastly different. But it doesn't mean the blind men are gaslighting each other. Because all experiences are personal, situations can be like a giant elephant that has different aspects. So, if we see things uniquely and if we don't make room for another to have a different perspective, we may end up labeling their perspective as gaslighting. Once we give someone a label, we stop exploring and being curious about their perspective. The term gaslighting is a label describing behavior that is often used to identify a person as a 'narcissist,' another misused and overused label used to categorize and shut someone down. I can't even begin to tell you how many people are divorced from a narcissist. I think practically all of them. Which is clinically impossible given that the DSM (catalog of mental health disorders) claims that only 0.5-1% of the population is a true narcissist.

But because we throw around labels like candy at a parade, everyone is an armchair psychologist ready to diagnos anyone in order to disregard them. It makes me wonder how many relationships are tossed out due to labeling and inability to try to see things from another's point of view. Now that being said, many people at times exhibit "narsicistic behavior, actually we all probably are unaware of how much we do it because we so easily see things from our own perspective. We demand our own way, we feel justified and we can become addicted to being right and to winning. It is probably more prevalent in this day and age than any other. But if you want to work on trying to save relationships rather than toss them out at first sign of perceived gaslighting, here are some suggestions.

1.Get curious about another's perspectives. Before you start arguing about who is right, step back and ask some questions. How did you feel when that happened? Have you ever felt that way before? Tell me more about how you see it. Sometimes the act of getting curious helps another to feel heard. We all tend to drop our defenses when we feel listened to.

2.When you feel like you have sufficiently explored another's perspective, you can ask if you can explain how you see it differently. I suggest you ask because this offers an opportunity for you to really evaluate how rigidly the other person clings to their perspective and how threatened they are by any other. If they refuse to allow you to express your own perspective, that tells you more about whether you are dealing with someone who may truly be a narcissist. But many people who feel heard and validated (which doesn't have to mean you have to agree) will often soften and open to another's perspective.

3.When you give your perspective, use "I" statements. Think like a blind man touching an elephant; you are expressing your thoughts, feelings, desires, and perspective on a situation that has many layers and facets, even if it feels completely black and white to you. So stick to your perspective because it matters, your feelings matter, and your views matter. But maybe not at the expense of everyone else's.

4. Check how your partner deals with your feelings and perspective. Can they validate yours in the way you validated theirs? That is more information you have. If they struggle to see that you have a valid perspective, that might be a cue to take a break from the situation. Many times people are hijacked by a nervous system that puts them in a threat state. We can't think or reason in a threat state; we can only react in a self-protective manner. And keep an eye on your own nervous system. If you start to feel "triggered," take a time out to calm down so that you can really think about a situation rather than just react to it. If you need help understanding your own nervous system and how you get triggered, seek a supportive therapist. Many qualified therapists can help you understand how to calm your own nervous system down when it becomes activated and puts you in a state of fight or flight, or help you learn how to come back online if you become flooded and shut down, which is another protective act of the nervous system.

Keep in mind, labels can truncate the process of working things out. They do not always allow you to go through a process of growth by developing communication and conflict resolution skills, as well as coping skills that allow you to take control of your own reactions. So rather than label and write off others, seek the sometimes uncomfortable waters of understanding another's perspective. Let's put some of these overused labels, such as gaslighting and narcissist, to rest. There is a time and place for labels in helping us understand people and behaviours, but we need to see how we use them to disqualify each other from having a different view on things and tolerating the different perspectives we each have.