When Love Grows Cold - Fear, Control and the cost of Emotional Distance

“Because of the increase of wickedness, the love of many will grow cold.”Matthew 24:12

James and Judy sit on opposite sides of the room frustrated with the lack of closeness between them. James is belitteling Judy, using guilt and criticism to try to motivate her to draw close to him. The barage of insults is only making Judy withdraw more. She sits with her arms crossed and eyes to the floor. In essence she has shut down. You could say she has become cold toward James’ attempt to engaage her. This is the dance between many couples in conflict as one  ineffectively persues and the other protectively withdraws.

The icey cold stance of Judy is a protective mechanism of her nervous system. When we experience any kind of danger whether that be phyical, or emotional, our bodies respond to threat signals by fighting (James) fleeing or freezing (Judy). Shutting down, numbing or growing cold is one of the way our minds, body and spirit protect us from pain. The pain can be from real threat, many overwhelming emotions coming at us at once or pain that has lasted far too long. 

This ‘freeze state’ protects us from pain but the cold icy wall we build around our heart also keeps us from experiencing compassion, love and true joy.

We see it play out with couples in the therapy office as they demonstrate their style of conflict but it plays out in a much broader scale in the world around us.

When we see ourselves as victim and the other as enemy we move into a win/lose right/wrong stance.  Some people become aggressive and attact as they attempt to gain a sense of control and others withdraw and self protect. Both styles demontrate coldness toward the other.  

Wickedness sets down roots when people become self centered, self righteous, self protective and self seeking. We can’t care for another when we are obsessively looking out for our own self interest and survival.  That’s not to say concern for self is inherently evil, Healthy relationships involves loving others AS we love ourselves. Both should be true Jesus goes further to encourage us to become servants of one another as we seek to be more like him in our relationships. Relationships won’t survive two protective people looking out solely for their own self interest. Our communities won’t survive division that refuses to honor and respect and consider the needs of others. .  

The reality is that when our relationships suffer, we suffer as individuals as well. Anxiety grows when our partners are not experienced as safe. Fear intensifies when our neighbors and community aren’t safe.  And where there is anxiety and fear we will find people in a state of Fight, Flight or Freeze. 

We are inherently designed for connection and community. Our truest selves emerge when we interact with others with compassion, warmth, grace, and love, aiming for understanding. Although we can stand firm and set boundaries, these should be adaptable, purposeful, and carefully thought out, not merely reactive. They are meant to help others be their best selves while also safeguarding ourselves and the relationship.

We don't come by this naturally; our nervous system is geared for self-protection and survival, but help is available to us.

“There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear…”1 John 4:18

We have to go to the source of perfect love and draw from it. It is impossble to find perfect love from another human being or from a human system. The only source of perfect love is Christ himself. The love we receive from Him is what our hearts are  truly made for. By it we receive the safety and survival we instictually seek.  In His love we are safe and protected, cared for and loved is a way that transends what we can truly understand on a humanistic level. But what we experience when we receive it is Life. He promises to remove our heart of stone -fearful... cold…unfeeling… protective and give us a heart of flesh -warm.. vulerable tender…compassionate..connected and ALIVE.  

To help James and Judy get  a taste of what that might feel like I first help them become aware of their nervous system, it’s purpose and how it is impacting their relationship

I give them tools to help regulate their own nervous system responses, so that they can work with it and not let it run the show and be more intentional in the way they relate to each other.  

I work on helping them develop communication skills and conflict resolution skills, helping them make requests and not demands, develop empathy and understanding and give grace to the other. If they can do this, they can bring a felt sense of safety to the relationship.

Once safe within the relationship, they are able to feel closer, more connected and more loving toward eachother. And maybe... just maybe a taste of that goodness will develop a thirst for it’s source.

This post has been written in response to the Prompt Cold-  from A Five Minute Friday writing community that helps challenge writers to keep writing, if only for five minutes!